On Disappointment & Depression

The past few weeks have been extremely sucky. As you've noticed, I've not really been posting much (despite the fact, that I know, at the very least, it helps me continue to use my brain for constructive purposes). I'm making a valiant attempt to enjoy the holiday season in the face of dwindling clients, family deaths, people who waste my time and a general feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness and general mental and spiritual fatigue. It would be easy to abandon myself to an extended pity party, if I let myself.

I have even questioned my relationship with God over the past few weeks: whether God answers prays or if He listens at all. Why would He put me through this yet again? Is it punishment for sin? An essential flaw in who I am?

These are good questions, I believe, ones worthy of concerted mental effort, because the answers I come up with will either make or break me. I've sought help to work things through emotionally and biochemically, but I never wanted this blog to be yet another angst-ridden diary. Rather, I want this to be a place where I can come to grips with reality in a (more or less) public way.

I heard it said on TV not too long ago that Christians should not confess depression and disappointment in public. Such an admission, it was said, demonstrates the unsaved condition of the soul and was a poor reflection on the teaching and ministry of a particular church and pastor. The impression the speaker gave was that Christians were to be constantly happy, healthy and productive and that our circumstances never should have an effect on our lives. My first reaction, not being in a completely sound state of mind, was to agree. Why not feed the fires of self-pity? It seemed logical enough. But in a more reflective and less self-loathing mood, I reject such thinking.

That is not to say that whining and belly-aching are signs of a good Christian. Quite the contrary. Disappointment and, subsequent or related, depression may be a sign that we were too focused on our own hopes and plans. This is especially true if one does not adapt to the unfolding situation and attempt to move forward. If I do not take the time to really come to grips with these disappointments in a calm, rational and God-centered way, then I really am demonstrating some form of spiritual deficiency.

Here's where we have the tight rope: on the one hand, there really are things in the world that are, well, not right. Our hopes and dreams are generally in line with what God would want, yet they do not come to pass. Other people do misuse us and the people we love do die. I do not believe it is unbiblical or ethically unsound to acknowledge and, perhaps even, embrace those wrongs. This can be useful in many ways--strengthening our empathy for other people, kindling our righteous anger for justice, giving us an opportunity to see things from God's perspective, not ours--only if we are honest about our feelings and allow God to be part of the equation.

In the end, that is what I have tried to do: see things from God’s perspective and consider alternative scenarios and motivations. God still loves me and has a plan that is just right for me, despite the fact that I am not privy to the entirety of that plan. I, myself, don’t always know exactly what’s best for me. Almost always, disappointment and depression are for my ultimate good.