Happy Halloween

This year will be rather subdued compared to other years. I didn’t really do much decorating. In fact, I only yesterday decided to bring down some of my props and set up a little display out in the back yard. I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to set them up even if we don't plan on being around tonight. So this is tucked away in a corner of my backyard (for those of you who've been back there, please note the huge new two-story house in the far background that was shoved into my neighbor's backyard . . . why in the world they thought that was a good idea, I have no idea.)

We’re planning on being out tonight (over at our church’s “Halloween Extravaganza”) so I didn’t feel like making a to-do for a dark and candy-less house.

I’ll just leave y'all with some thoughts on Halloween and ghosties from last year:

• On Halloween
• Ghosts and Christians

Have a safe and enjoyable Halloween!

On Being a 'Thoughtful' Christian

I started writing about my Christianity a couple of years ago while in the middle of a crippling bout of depression. My councilor wanted me to double check some of my assumptions, history and associations I had to see if anything in Christian life, either due to faulty thinking or unhealthy habit, may be contributing to those dark thoughts. What follows is the concluding remarks from my 'book' on how I became a Christian.

Rightly or wrongly, I, probably, will always be a little suspicious of people who have been Christians their whole life. They were born Christian and will die Christian. I wonder, hopefully not too cynically, whether they have actually made a choice to become a Christian or was that simply the default setting, as it were? Did they ever come to a point when they made Christianity their own? Have they ever really had to struggle with the difficulties involved in accepting the Bible the way I have? Have they ever been “bad” enough to realize what they’ve been saved from? Do they ever actually philosophize about their faith or is it a purely reflexive worldview? Granted, this suspicion may, in some part, be born out of a sense of envy; I wish sometimes that I didn’t have to struggle as much as I do with my faith. I wish it was as easy as some Christians seem to want me to believe, especially when I so often feel like a weird space alien where ever I go.

Dr. Brian Leftow, professor of philosophy at Forham University, says “I am a philosopher because I am Christian.”[1] I suspect for many modern people that makes little or no sense, but to me, I could never see it any other way. This claim, of course, is a problem for both the theologian and the philosopher. Philosophers tend to think religion isn’t worth the trouble, and theologians tend to think philosophy is more trouble than it’s worth. Philosophy is an act of the mind and will, which is often seen as unreliable “fleshly wisdom” by the religious. Religion, on the other hand, is seen as too subjective to be rationally examined by the philosopher. Both sides, though, are equally guilty of calling out the Thought Police. In Christian circles, it is quite alright to think and question, as long as you think correctly and quickly accept the right answers to your questions, and, in philosophic circles, is quite alright to be Christian as long as your faith does not contaminate your intellect and interfere with your quest for the “truth”. Both sides eye each other with suspicion and both sides too often take their point to an absurd extreme.

I seem to be reasonably well suited to live with uncertainty. I have always been fairly pessimistic about the world, people, the future, but I have always been able to navigate the tensions between my Christian faith and the rigors of reason in an almost aloof sort of way even as faith and reason seem to be polar opposites.[2] For example:

• Faith is stable, eternal. While reason is always tentative, speculative, probing.
• Christianity is orthodoxy. Reason requires testing new ideas; it requires avoiding the crowd (Kierkegaard) or herd (Nietzsche) mentality and anything that interferes with sober thinking (Marx).
• Faith is seen as the opposite of reason. Faith is the evidence of things unseen, while reason requires evidence and argument. Faith is subjective; reason is objective.
• Intellectual pursuits are often seen as unimportant in the light of God’s eternity.
• Intellectuals are seen (often rightly) as the enemy of the Church.
  

It is sometimes difficult to maintain a sense of worth when you “sit on the fence” the way that I do. While Church and Academia so often stand in open hostility, the world at large generally isn’t much help either to the self image of a philosophically minded person. Popular culture is extremely pragmatic; it wants to know how to get something done. Being a “thoughtful” Christian doesn’t usually produce anything of practical use. The education we all receive in school is extremely utilitarian; you need to learn enough to get a job. Thought life is not necessarily entertaining, quick or upwardly mobile. So, my questions are generally kept to myself. I have to pick and choose my battles, and make sense of all this religion-talk as well as I can away from the prying eyes of the Church, Academia and the world at large.

My questioning is sometimes more accepted in secular circles, though. In the Church, I often am met with offended stares if I openly raise questions or present opposing viewpoints. (Though I think in some circles this is becoming less of an issue.) I’ve been told by very well meaning Christians, that my methods are completely wrong. That I just need to stop questioning and “surrender to Jesus”. OK, so how should I do that, I ask. The answer usually is something like: just read the Bible and all your questions will be answered.

This solution to the problem is, for me, entirely insufficient.

While obviously I believe the Bible is the “Word of God”, I still struggle with some of the same old questions about its authenticity, accuracy, legitimacy and its moral lessons. Some parts of the Bible are easy to grasp and accept. Others are not. If we are honest, we all have our favorite books, passages and verses in the Bible and (if we are being honest with ourselves, right?) we are guilty of completely ignoring certain passages in the Bible that are difficult to understand, or that the meaning is at odds with our current views. We act as if certain passages are divine commands for everyone and at all times, yet deliberately break others. We take verses and parts of verses out of context to fit our own needs. Indeed, whole religions and denominations have sprung up because of this tendency. For example, I seriously doubt the Mormon Church would be what it is today if John 10:16 (“And other sheep have I, which are not of this fold . . .”) did not exist.

That said, it should come as no surprise that I believe that this isn’t always a bad thing. Every human being is different, with different backgrounds, needs and desires, giftings and purposes. For myself, I will honestly say there are things about being a Christian (and being a Christian probably means, in the final analysis, believing what the Bible has to say) that are anything from mildly disagreeable to down-right offensive (rightly or wrongly, I’m still working that out). There are things also that seem to completely contradict what I think the rest of the Bible is saying about God. There are things in the Bible that I don’t understand and there are others that I flat out don’t agree with (at least as far as I understand them). And, I firmly believe, that’s OK with God. Our Christian-hood does not rest, in general, on our philosophical views, our ability to comfortably interpret key biblical passages or even our wants and desires. But I think we should recognize that certain passages are absolutely meant for us for a particular time and place in our lives. There are others that we simply won’t understand. Our lack of understanding may be due to any number of things, including pride, mistranslations, poor study and prayer habits, or God may be withholding understanding for a particular time. We may be resistant to abandon a “black and white” perspective to more fully understand the truth, such as when we tackle “loving the sinner yet hating the sin” or “consumer Christianity”. We may need to look at a variety of issues and Bible passages from radically different points of view that we may really understand them. In other words, the Bible is not accessible without interpretation and application. Sometimes, this requires others to highlight parts of the Bible that are meant for us at a particular time. This is why I spend so much time reading, not only the Bible but also, what people have to say about it. That means dealing with the, more often than it ever should be, evil and inefficient organization called The Church.

My feelings about religious organizations have not changed much since my atheist days. The people who comprise the Body of Christ continue to, on the one hand, disappoint and appall me, and, on the other, educate and inspire me. (That doesn’t surprise me though!) Where would I be without Augustine, Aquinas, Luther, Kant, Lewis, McGee, Swaggart and, despite the fact that I think he’s completely off his rocker, John Shelby Spong? Where would I be without Lucile [a woman I met just after becoming a Christian who really taught me alot about the Bible, prayer and Christian love], or that nameless librarian [who helped me to become a Christian by pointing me to a stack of really great books]? Where would I be without my pastors and friends at Greater Portland Bible Church? The most likely answer is a complete mess, or, just as likely, dead. Obviously, I now hold that the Church is a God-inspired organism, created as an instrument of salvation, authentic spirituality and physical healing, comfort and reconciliation on earth. But,

The parallel reality, however, is that at the same time the church is an institution which operates, consciously or not, like other human institutions. The primary goal of all institutions and subcultures is self-preservation. Preserving the faith is central to God’s plan for human history; preserving particular religious institutions is not. Do not expect those who run the institutions to be sensitive to the difference. God needs no particular person, church, denomination, creed, or organization to accomplish His purpose. He will make use of those, in all their diversity, who are ready to be used, but will leave to themselves those who labor for their own ends.

Nonetheless, questioning the institution is synonymous, for many, with attacking God—something not long to be tolerated. Supposedly, they are protecting God, an almost humorous notion if its consequences were not so hurtful. Apparently God is fragile, His feelings easily hurt, sort of like Mr. Suffleupagus on “Sesame Street” who feels sad and frustrated when people don’t believe he exists. Actually, they are protecting themselves, their view of the world, and their sense of security. The religious institution has given them meaning, a sense of purpose, and, in some cases, careers. Anyone perceived as a threat to these things is a threat indeed.">[3]

This tension between the needs of the earthly institution and the authentic Will of God is so often a difficult and narrow path (as all members of my church can attest to over the past couple years). On the one hand, we can begin to see that church is really all about our own individuality and start to demand that it tolerate anything we have a notion to complain about. On the other, it is tempting to circle the wagons and burn the heretics. The intellectually lazy notions of conformity so often squash the awesomely sublime reality of biblical unity. Authoritarian unanimity can be manufactured, measured and enforced, while biblical unity is a mystical phenomenon that transcends all outward identifiers. The true Church is a product of unity, not conformity. In my case, conformity actually did its best to destroy my chances of experiencing unity.

For me, the intellectual life is one of the major ways I combat uniformity and selfishness. It is also how I attempt to promote biblical freedom. More often than not, thoughtful consideration on a deeply philosophic level is what makes religion tolerable for me. It makes God seem more real to me. It helps me live a moral life, one pleasing to God. It roots me in the full meaning of Christian life, allowing me more fully grasp the awesome realities God may hide from those who may just skim through the Bible, or simply “do their time” Sunday morning. It helps me reconcile what I see with my eyes with what I see with my spirit. There really are bad reasons for being a Christian; hopefully, reason itself helps me to properly evaluate them for what they are. All in all, I could never be a “good Christian” unless I led a questioning and examined life.

Are there dangers of the so-called intellectual life? Of course. An over-examined life really isn't much better than an unexamined one. The Bible is full of warnings against overly intellectualizing the spiritual, of rationalizing our wants, excusing our sin and relying too heavily on our own thinking. These should be heeded. Thinking too much may cause all sorts of problems, such as:

• Pride, we know the mind of God
• Lording it over people, we are better than those who are not as intellectually curious.
• Objectification of God.

If you think about it though, over-emphasizing any aspect of ourselves (mind, heart or body) will get you into trouble, but it may be more tempting for “thoughtful” Christians, like myself, to feel superior to “emotional” Christians or those who are always seem to be doing something (the Martha Syndrome, different hang-up, same sin). We can start to believe that a “simple” faith isn't really faith at all. Because we've “studied” and are “smarter” than those who seem to blindly accept and are so easily swept up by their emotions, we can easily start to believe that God has favored us. Worse still, we can begin to believe that our methods are somehow a particular blessing to God, a blessing that feeling and working can’t even begin to compare. We can even set ourselves up to be the very priests of Truth.

Sometimes this can go beyond simple pride when it turns into cancerous suspicion (something I myself must take steps to actively avoid). When someone talks of a miracle, revelation or some blessing from God, I often immediately wonder if it is really true. Is this person looking for some kind of undeserved attention? Are they making it up, or are they completely fooled by their unreliable emotions? There’s nothing wrong with a healthy dose of skepticism, but when it becomes reflexive and cynical, then we have problems, especially when we can help to destroy the fragile faith of others (or my own faith, let me tell you!). Of course, we sometimes find it difficult to realize that our own over-analysis can come off as arrogant or unintelligible to those who have a less cluttered (for lack of a better word) faith until we get smacked in the face with that fact. Sometimes, people like me put our faith in our ability to reason, rather that faith in the Living God, which, of course, defeats the whole project of Christianity.

The final point is probably much more insidious and difficult to correct than simple pride. Philosophy is, in the final analysis, the act of defining things. For all practical purposes, each of the four major branches of philosophy tries to “box up” a single word. Epistemology tries to define the word “knowledge”, ethics the word “good”, aesthetics the word “beauty” and metaphysics the word “real”. Theology, or the philosophy of religion, tries to tell us what the word “god” means, among other things. (True spirituality and devotion, on the other hand, is the act of trying to get “god” out of a box.) We might end up knowing a lot about God, but we only think about “god” as long as “it” is safely under a microscope. And, before long, we can entirely loose sight of the object of our study and begin an endless and sometimes pointlessly destructive obsession with the microscope itself. We loose sight of the fact that our theology, our world view, our philosophy, the handy box we put God in (the microscope) is only a tool. We wake up one day completely unable to tell the difference between the eternal God of the Universe and the divisive philosophies we hold so dearly. In trying so hard to understand Christianity, we can entirely miss the point of even being a Christian.

Does that mean we should just give up trying to understand God? God forbid. While, there may be a very thin line between thinking too much and thinking too little, I believe God created human beings complete with (or later grants us, I’m not sure which) a set of mental and spiritual tools for determining truth and (re?) discovering Him. (If not, then free will is a sham, right?) For me, that means always questioning, testing and having the courage to abandon ideas that I once held sacred. I will give up any untrue belief I have because I believe God still holds me to my first prayer. In order to do that though, I must always test whether I have become complacent in my thought life. Have I taken something for granted? Do my beliefs justify something impure in myself? Do my philosophies help others backslide?

And this approach has served me well from the very beginning. Through loneliness, joblessness, deaths, injuries, disappointments and suicidal thoughts, I have never encountered a new fact or perspective that has lead me to believe that my decision to become a Christian was ever in vain.

Granted, there have been times when I needed more than a little help. These are times when religion, that old self-absorbed emasculator of truth, actually fulfils the purpose for which it was created. If allowed to step in from time to time (in prudent doses, of course!), it allows one to see God in action in a concrete way and reinvigorate failing faith. For me, this is especially helpful when I don’t particularly feel like being a Christian. Other people who share my convictions can encourage and support me (and I them in turn, hopefully). These are other people who maybe, just maybe, know something I don’t, who have powerfully experienced the truth recently and can help me to reclaim that vision for myself again. So, the trick is to avoid having faith in my own mental abilities and rely on the help of other people, and, more importantly God Himself.

In the end, the “thoughtful life” is only a set of tools, not the solution itself.

As the years have passed along, I have become increasingly aware of the fact that these tools cause me to do a good deal of fence sitting. I know it and it quickly becomes apparent to anyone who gets to know me. I've been told it’s a bad thing; I've been told it’s a good thing. Perhaps, it’s really the fate of all people who live east of Eden. Some of us embrace it more than others. In the end, it probably just is. It will remain a source of constant torment for me while continually spurring me on toward the full and joyful knowledge of God. It’s just who I am and how I deal with the world.

[1] Morris, Thomas V., ed., God and the Philosophers: The Reconciliation of Faith and Reason, Oxford University Press, New York, 1994, p. 189.
[2] Williams, Clifford, The Life of the Mind: A Christian Perspective, Baker Academic, Michigan, 2002, pp. 61-70.
[3] Taylor, Daniel, The Myth of Certainty: The Reflective Christian & the Risk of Commitment, InterVarsity Press, Illinois, 1992, pp. 29-30.
[4] Deuteronomy 6:5, see Matthew 22:37.
[5] Ephesians 4:4-6.

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

For the first time in a long time, we have snow on Christmas. Well, it was white and cold and fell from the sky, I tell you!

I was hoping to get a snapshot of some accumulation but, alas, 'twas not to be.

Hike to Angel's Rest

In an attempt to get myself back in shape, my brother and I decided to tackle Angel's Rest in the Columbia Gorge. It's a tough little hike, so my brother thought it would be a good one to gage my over-all fitness. Going up, I felt a little nauseous and coming down my arthritis was really screaming in my knees, but I did very well all things considered. We made the whole thing up and back in about three hours. With the wind whipping, we didn't stay too long up on the very top of Angel's Rest, just long enough to rehydrate and get the chills.

Northwest Trek

To celebrate my birthday, my wife and I went up to Northwest Trek, south west of Tacoma. It took about 2 and half hours to get there but it was well worth it. For a good sense of northwest wildlife, natural habitats and some basic conservation education, I'd really recommend the trip. The hour-long tram ride was nice, if a bit noisy; it really was geared for kids. The place has a zoo-like feel to it, but there was plenty of space to spread out and take things in. I was really impressed with the "wilderness" feel to the exhibits and the nature walk.

The only really good picture we got was of the wolves. (I'm still learning to use this new digital camera.) Had I known how to use the camera, I could have gotten some really nice pictures of the grizzly bear, bobcat, lynx and otters.

Davis Graveyard

On my way to Prov. Milwaukie (Med. Asst. Program), I passed, what appeared to be an old hearse on Tuesday. Well, being the big Halloween decoration nerd that I am, my wife and I had to go back check it out today. What a great display! Guess I'll have to start work for next year!

• Davis Graveyard website
• The Davis House blog

Been a long while since I posted anything

It's been over a year since I had the energy to post anything here. I've felt burned out and my head just hasn't seemed to work quite right. During the intervening months, I have sought the council of friends and family, those I trust and those who don't understand. Either way, I think I'm back on my feet.

At Providence Portland's Chapel

I had a client today that I was supposed to meet at 9:00 AM today at Providence Portland, but somehow we missed each other. A co-worker said the client wouldn't be in for another half-hour, so I had a chance to spend some time in the chapel.

For the most part, I was alone for just a half hour, but it was a very good half hour. I tried to focus my mind on God, but ended up thinking about the job I was at the hospital for. With some effort, I was able to turn my mind toward a prayer for guidance and, through the swirling thoughts in my mind, I was aware of one thing I think I've never really understood about holy places: God is not more available or present in places set aside for "religious activities". Rather, I am.

It's easy to think that, perhaps, God isn't with us during our busy days. But it's clearer to me now that He really is. It's just that, here I am in my office, with my job notes, my humming computer, my books, my snacks, I don't have as much time for God as God has for me.

The Future of Our Church

Last weekend, our founding pastor retired, leaving an uncertain future for Greater Portland Bible Church. It's not that I, personally, have any trepidation. We have an awesome staff, solid elders and a congregation that, I hope, is mature enough to handle this time of uncertainty.

This morning, pastor John committed our church to unity. The staff created a statement of commitment that read:

We as a church community, highlight and respecting each other's strengths, steering clear of pride and hidden agendas, practicing dependence on God together, and moving forward with one accord.

The bottom line is that we, as a church body, are committed to being patient, listening to the Lord's leading, and working toward a renewed church, a church that is open to seekers and is a place where service and love is abundantly evident.

Granted, all sorts of bad things could happen as we find our new direction and renew our commitment to the Lord. But I just don't see that happening. Furthermore, I pledge to do my part that bad things don't happen. My job now is to love, listen and be a dependable part of the church body. May God grant me the strength to do so.

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Romans 15:5-6)

Christian Consumerism

Last night, our Worship Pastor invited everyone involved in the GPBC worship ministries for a time of prayer and consecration. It was a very moving and much-needed evening of news, supplication and fellowship. Dave did a great job of inspiring and challenging us to the possibilities God has is store for the church and Christ's Body in general for the coming year. I felt that Dave did a very good job of warning against consumer culture while balancing the need to meet one another's' needs.

For my part, I have struggled with the concept of Christian consumerism this past year. If looking to fulfill our needs is such a bad thing then why be at church at all? When I am feeling like I am bored with a particular song, should I just go through the motions, playing the notes and moving on to the next song? Doesn't God want to meet our needs?

What Dave was able to do though is to help me have a better understanding of the concept. While I have no problem with the fact that people DO come to church to receive, I am now more able to see how I might improve the situation. That is to say, we can only truly receive what God has prepared for us when we are willing to humble ourselves, submit, give and work hard. To often though, people (myself included) come to church to get something, be entertained, grab a blessing and, in the end, miss the opportunity to heal and bless others. This isn't what God requires of us. An attitude like that will only weaken the Body.

I will take Dave's admonition to heart this year. I will work hard to be a blessing to others, even though I may not feel like at the time.

My New Year's Resolution

This year I resolve to act more in line with what I believe. It's sometimes easy for me to be fearful, even though I have faith in God's purposes for my life. It's even easier let things slide and procrastinate, when I know that my life is supposed to be purpose-filled. I don't see myself as a major hypocrite, but there are times in my life when I do not act like a child of God. I want to take the time to honor God by making real connections between the way I think (and believe) and what I do.

Merry Christmas

. . . kinda.

This has been a very strange Christmas time for my wife and I. We spent last Sunday down with the nieces. We had a great time watching them do their "Mayhem in Bethlehem! A 30 minute Special Report". Then, had a nice lunch before we had to make haste to get home in a freezing rain storm.

Christmas eve we spent up in Seattle watching the Seahawks womp on the Colts on a warm and dry Pacific Northwest day. But for the rain coming up to Seattle, the weather was perfect. We listened to "A Christmas Carol" on CD on the way up as well as a little music to boot, but it just didn't seem like Christmas.

Christmas day, we were at church. Teresa was doing PowerPoint and we had a special guest leading most of the service from behind the piano. It was very nice. Then Teresa's dad, mother-in-law and her son went out to Sharis for lunch. The gamblers really put us all in the holiday mood! Later in the day, we went over to Todd's and stuffed ourselves, made small-talk and exchanged presents. It was very nice.

Needless to say, this has been an odd season for us. We got down all the Christmas decorations, but we only put one up--the lit star on the front door. It was good to take a break from the usual Christmas rush, but I think next year, we'll definitely be in more in the spirit. We're already making plans!

The Great "Happy Holidays" Controversy

It's taken me a little while to digest the current "Happy Holidays" controversy, but I think I finally have my thoughts in order. Apparently, some people really take this sort of thing seriously. "It is insulting that Wal-Mart has chosen to ignore the reason for the season," Dick Otterstad of the Church of the Divide (pictured in the Santa costume) said. "Taking the word 'Christmas' out of the holiday implies there's something sinful about it. . . . This is a part of our culture."

As you probably already know, I'm a Christian, and I certainly can sympathize with Mr. Otterstad's concerns. There's a lot about the "holiday" season that is less than holy and anything that diminishes the meaningfulness of Christ’s birth should be held to a minimum. That said, I think that Wal-Mart and other stores are responding in a reasonable manner. By way of explanation, I celebrate a number of meaningful holidays in early winter, not least of all is Christmas, but I also celebrate to one degree or another Hanukkah, New Year's Eve, and Epiphany. Granted, I would probably be in Wal-Mart because of Christmas, but no one working there is going to know that. Heck, should they be expected to wish me a happy birthday just in case I was born in December?

In the end, store workers are simply saying, "hi, I'm glad you're spending your money here!" Do you really expect a private corporation to make a truly religious statement?

We should forget the so-called war on Christmas and declare war on Santa. What we should really be focusing on is not a simple gesture, but on the “new” mythology of Christmas. What do elves, flying reindeer, talking snowmen and especially omni-present bribe-masters have to do with the winter holidays, much less reality itself? More importantly, what are the messages this mythology sends? We better be good or we'll get a lump of coal?

Dear Santa, gimme stuff.

On Disappointment & Depression

The past few weeks have been extremely sucky. As you've noticed, I've not really been posting much (despite the fact, that I know, at the very least, it helps me continue to use my brain for constructive purposes). I'm making a valiant attempt to enjoy the holiday season in the face of dwindling clients, family deaths, people who waste my time and a general feeling of hopelessness, worthlessness and general mental and spiritual fatigue. It would be easy to abandon myself to an extended pity party, if I let myself.

I have even questioned my relationship with God over the past few weeks: whether God answers prays or if He listens at all. Why would He put me through this yet again? Is it punishment for sin? An essential flaw in who I am?

These are good questions, I believe, ones worthy of concerted mental effort, because the answers I come up with will either make or break me. I've sought help to work things through emotionally and biochemically, but I never wanted this blog to be yet another angst-ridden diary. Rather, I want this to be a place where I can come to grips with reality in a (more or less) public way.

I heard it said on TV not too long ago that Christians should not confess depression and disappointment in public. Such an admission, it was said, demonstrates the unsaved condition of the soul and was a poor reflection on the teaching and ministry of a particular church and pastor. The impression the speaker gave was that Christians were to be constantly happy, healthy and productive and that our circumstances never should have an effect on our lives. My first reaction, not being in a completely sound state of mind, was to agree. Why not feed the fires of self-pity? It seemed logical enough. But in a more reflective and less self-loathing mood, I reject such thinking.

That is not to say that whining and belly-aching are signs of a good Christian. Quite the contrary. Disappointment and, subsequent or related, depression may be a sign that we were too focused on our own hopes and plans. This is especially true if one does not adapt to the unfolding situation and attempt to move forward. If I do not take the time to really come to grips with these disappointments in a calm, rational and God-centered way, then I really am demonstrating some form of spiritual deficiency.

Here's where we have the tight rope: on the one hand, there really are things in the world that are, well, not right. Our hopes and dreams are generally in line with what God would want, yet they do not come to pass. Other people do misuse us and the people we love do die. I do not believe it is unbiblical or ethically unsound to acknowledge and, perhaps even, embrace those wrongs. This can be useful in many ways--strengthening our empathy for other people, kindling our righteous anger for justice, giving us an opportunity to see things from God's perspective, not ours--only if we are honest about our feelings and allow God to be part of the equation.

In the end, that is what I have tried to do: see things from God’s perspective and consider alternative scenarios and motivations. God still loves me and has a plan that is just right for me, despite the fact that I am not privy to the entirety of that plan. I, myself, don’t always know exactly what’s best for me. Almost always, disappointment and depression are for my ultimate good.

A Sad Anniversary

Today marks the sixth anniversary of my mom's death. I still can remember almost every detail of that entire day, from getting a call from dad before sunrise, to my brother picking me up and driving over to the house I grew up in. I can recall talking with my sister in those pre-dawn hours as mom wanted to know what the big event was that all us kids were there. The conflicting emotions and the nearly insane paralysis that slowly overtook me throughout the day as mom slowly drifted away still reverberates in my mind. I remember when she finally went: how strangely calm I was when everyone else seemed so destroyed, just sitting at the end of the bed, slowly rubbing one of her feet. I remember the warmth of the sunshine when they wheeled her body out into the van and the gentle coolness that marked the end of a long, hot summer.

There's no doubt about it: my mom and I did not see eye to eye about a lot of things, and, even now, I have no idea what she really thought about me. Those last few years were filled with fights and arguments, mistrust and expectant silences. I suppose she always thought I was judging her and I was never sure when she might blow up. She was a hurting woman, filled with more self-doubt that even I could muster. She felt that forgiveness was weakness and "family" was the end all of existence. She cared too much about what others thought of her, and thought too little about her own life and behavior.

It's been a hard six years. My little brother and sister have been hit the hardest by mom's passing and I have worried about them more than anything. Fortunately, they seem to be growing up and letting the past strengthen them rather than let it anchor them in place. My other brother always seems to take everything in stride (unless you annoy him!). Dad has remarried and seems to be getting along just fine. For my part, I still harbor a bit of guilt about the way my relationship with mom never seemed to be as good as it was when I was kid. About the time I started reading and thinking on my own, mom didn't know quite what to do with me and, in turn, I didn't know what to do with her either. I could have found better ways of helping her to deal with her own struggles, perhaps.

I made my amends the day mom died, though by that time I have no idea if she could even hear me--she had slipped into a coma by mid-morning. I still pray that she heard me. I know since then, I have been much more caring about people, more able to empathize with others' pains and sorrows; that much at least can be said is a good thing and worth remembering on this sad anniversary.

Statement of Faith

I believe in one personal, pre-existent, all-powerful God who created the universe and all that is found therein. This Creator God possess certain attributes indicative of personhood, among others, love, creativity, initiative, morality, need for companionship, decision making and rationality. I believe God wishes to be in relationship with His creation. I believe in additional (spiritual) dimensions beyond the physical universe, a reality which contains energies and beings which can affect our physical dimension either toward or away from God's love. I believe that the spiritual states of Heaven and Hell exist.

I believe that human beings were created fully formed--at some historical point--by God to be in relationship with Himself and to be of service to one another. Soon thereafter, humans made a decision to rebel from their spiritual nature and have ever since leaned morally toward selfishness and error, taking an apparent "short cut" to power and wholeness. Selfishness and error (rejection of God's will, truth and life) inevitably leads to physical and spiritual death. I believe human beings are endowed with radical free will, rationality and incalculable value. I believe that the general nature of humanity is unchanging, though individuals, cultures and societies are free to rise above the average or sink below at various times and places. I believe humans posses an eternal soul which will live on after physical death. I believe that there are two general classes to which humans can belong, the selfish, carnal, error-filled, temporal Kingdom of this World and the truth-seeking, eternally-minded, selfless Kingdom of Heaven. Though, we are told that the fruit of a person's life exposes which Kingdom they may belong to, our limited sensibilities prevents us from pursuing judgment too strongly in most cases. (We can only seek the truth as best we can and promote life, love and God's will where we can.) The existence after death is decided by the choices made during physical life.

I believe that, due to these conditions in the human race, God found it necessary to provide an avenue for salvation; that avenue is Jesus Christ. I believe Jesus was more than an example of a (the) spiritual life but rather the bridge between human selfishness and the wholeness of God. He was the perfect example of what it means to be fully human and fully divine. His life, teaching, ministry, death and resurrection came to pass in order to bring the Kingdom of God into the world. In essence, God sent Jesus to the world to demonstrate the truth and offer himself up as an invitation to depart from the Kingdom of Self and this World. I believe that, because of this free invitation to enter the Kingdom of Heaven and humanity's ability to make decisions, no human being, regardless of how depraved or evil, is excluded from entering a true relationship with God as long as they choose to freely enter; there are no hopeless cases.

I believe that final truth exists and through the God-given faculties of reason, wonder and reverence, despite our imperfections and the difficulties implied in the search, we humans can approach truth. Subjectivity is only the beginning of truth, not the end. I believe that the good life is an examined life.

Multi-Cultural Worship Workshop

Just got back from a very moving and freeing all-day workshop put on Krista-Dawn Kimsey at the church. Wow! Here's a few things that really got me thinking:

Worship = the transformational act of recognizing God's invitation of love and offering our lives in response to Him. Worship is our RESPONSE to what God has already done.

Worship leaders [that's me!] are leaders of the Spiritual Formation of [our] congregation. [I am] NOT just a song leader!!

Worship leaders are prophets and Gatekeepers to point the way to Jesus and teach the congregation how to live in the Kingdom of God.

Worship leaders are pastors, shepherd that love and guide their congregation to healing and wholeness.

One of the major elements that I took away from this event was how Krista-Dawn addressed our fears. What fears do I have when I am up leading worship? I'm afraid I might offend, look like an idiot, that my experience won't be authentic, and play wrong notes that distract the congregation and other musicians. What was amazing was that I will look like a fool, I will offend SOMEONE (Jesus seemed to do that quite a bit too), I will mess up and it will feel unnatural sometimes. As simple as that. That's so freeing! I shouldn't worry about those things, because no matter what I do, it's going to happen anyway. I just need to show up and make the effort to be real, love people, do my best and look for what God has planned for me.